no reason~

2013, throughout the month of studying in kuching, im happy from the start of my semester 1 and until the end of it... everything when smooth..... then it was semester 2~ everything started to change~ im trying to be brave and strrong to hold everything~ in the past few month, thing is getting hard really hard for me to handle, i cried quietly in the room.... my works, my personal stuff... i feel like giving up for this semester and return back to brunei~ i closed my eyes and wishing everything would be back to normal, this was just a dream, im scared im lost...... please... someone please hold on to me..... i need strength.... im really weak that time..... im Nobody..... but it did when well in the end, although things still change alot, but nevermind..................... hmm... i still like it that way, at least, there's still the strength that i need and love... after what just happened, and then there was another incident, that really let me feel really scare..... until now the fear are still in my mind... everytime i walk along the roadside, the fear, it came again, i hold my tears, wanna take out my phone to call for help, but i didnt... i walk and walk until i reach my destination...

until now it's almost the end of the year... i.....i........im....................... still afraid................................ please god........ everything be normal just the way it is.... eventhough nothing happen now, im still scare...... i hold my tears while typing this....there's a part i really stop for a while and continue typing...

i dont know why.... but................... there's a part of me......... being scare and afraid.....
someone............... hold me tight please...........................................................................

christmas........ all i want for christmas.............................

broken pieces~

There was a girl named Joan.....she live in a normal family, study in normal school and has normal friends....

one day, Joan was walking with a birthday girl and a few friends...
some of her friend was so mysterious, which she and the birthday girl doesn't know what's going on.... few minutes later, another group of friends surprisingly bring out the cake and started to sing birthday song to the birthday girl... Joan stand aside and look at the smile on the birthday girl's face... And she feels.................. happy but abit sad... in her mind, she was wondering "when can i have those surprises by my friends?, hmmm.. maybe.. i will have those surprises also during my birthday...." with a big smile on her face* :D

one month later..
few days to go before her birthday....
she was so excited while waiting for her birthday to come.... during the night time, she sits beside the bed looking out the window, thinking how her birthday would like during her birthday.. << friends singing birthday song for her?, surprising her from behind?, or maybe do something special for her?>>

during Joan's birthday...
she was so happy walking around the school, she was waiting for something to happen.... but there's was no one notice, even her closest friend.... people forgot about her birthday... she though her friends would greet her or surprise her... but she gets her hope up too high.... after the class, she run back while tears falling down from her eyes... she lock herself up in the room...

although, she still hopes that something really special would happen once in her life.. but never.... So, slowly she lost her hope in surprises and miracles... because whenever she gets her hope up high, the higher she falls.... she was scare and afraid.. so that she hide her expression and hope in a box and lock every things up... And she spend her life in a normal, simple, happy way...... people doesn't really know what she wants... so she kept it all for herself.... help others and become the strongest she could be...

Stories of my past~

how many of you really know about my past?
few...................
and im here to share it now...
there was alot out there ignoring me, or they just using me to get what they want and then kick me away like a football being kick around the field....
they say rumours like "i stink", "im disgusting", or "fat!"
no one is willing to make friends with me...
or sometimes, i need to "take down my face" just to make friend with them... but in the end... they were just using me for something....
whenever there's a group work, i have no group or no one is willing to put me in to their group....
and when there's "friends" talking to me.... i was excited but in the end they were just making fun of me...
im always alone sitting near the corner in the classroom..
there was no one.........
unless....... my best friends who were always by my side, no matter what whether we argue or fight, she'll always be by me side until the end... and now still she's by my side whenever i need her............. :') thank you.........
i get so much pressure through those years of living in "fats!"

before that im an "anti-social" kind of person.... im afraid to face anyone out there... they were laughing behind me~ the voice surrounded me "U'RE FAT!, NO ONE WOULD LIKE U!, GET LOST!"...... :(

from the ending of the year 2010.......
i change..............................

               2010                          2011

        2012                               2013

i became a socialize person, i get along and hangout with friends...

i never want to be alone again.....

after everything change, more friends and people start to get along.

i really feel happy what i had now, but not again people start ignoring me...

i really scare that the feeling would be back again... i don't want it to be back.. :'(

i got some of that feeling is back.......... haizzz..........

words now i can use for me is "hide whatever u can, smile whenever u can" :)

smile and said "nothing", "im fine" or a simple reply "Oh" :) to cover whatever i had inside that is hurting me so much..... 

-i wish u would know....